YOU CARE TOO MUCH

“The unhappiest people in the world are those who care the most about what other people think.” C. JoyBell C.

Do you care what others think of you?

Rhetorical question. Of course you fucking do. I think we all do.

A better question would be, “Why do you care what others think of you?”

Now we have something to dive into.

For whatever reason we all, to some extent, give a shit about how others view us. We want to be liked by our family, our friends, our co-workers, peers and even strangers. It’s kind of weird when you think about it. Subconsciously, we make decisions and go about our day based on how others perceive us. Why?

In my opinion, a lot of this self-consciousness stems from both technological and cultural advances. The more we progress technologically, the more we seem to move towards being at the mercy of others’ opinions. With access to social media and the internet in general, we can make one bad decision and become a fucking meme for the rest of our lives! That’s kind of terrifying. In turn, many of us operate with the fear of being chastised in the back of our mind at all times.

Another large factor as to why we care what others think of us is somewhere along the line, (probably in your childhood) you were trained to take everyone else’s needs into consideration under the guise of “being mindful of others”. Examples include parents telling a screaming child to be quiet because they are causing a scene in the middle of a busy restaurant. Or being told in the classroom to wait until called upon and raise your hand before you speak. And I get it… the scenarios where you are affecting others around you is something to take into consideration. But constantly putting others’ needs or wants above our own eventually makes us extremely self-conscious.

Those who move through life without caring what anyone thinks of them are much closer to being their own hero than you or I. They have already gone through the difficult process of having to navigate not giving a shit what anyone thinks of them. They’ve had to make decisions that pissed people off. They have had to tell people the truth, even if it hurt their feelings or made them mad. They have been placed in tough situations where they chose being respected over being liked. All very difficult things for many of us to do…but not impossible.

I’ve spent my entire life up until this point worrying about what everyone else thinks. I care more about winning over the hearts of those around me than winning their respect. I care more about not hurting peoples’ feelings than I do about making sure things get done. These empathetic traits have their place in my life, but being a leader also requires me to make tough choices. And whether you believe it or not, emotion is a terrible fucking leader.

My current job requires a lot of difficult decisions and difficult conversations. And to be completely honest, I haven’t done very well at doing what I think is best because I care way too fucking much about what my peers and customers think of me. My default mode is to either diffuse the situation or to avoid those difficult decisions and conversations altogether. I hate to admit it but that’s the truth. And while I would much rather be respected than liked as a leader, in the heat of the moment I tend to make decisions based on being liked. I want others to follow my lead because I am “chill” and have their best interests (a.k.a.feelings) in mind. Again, not an effective leadership strategy. They eventually get things done because they like me, but do they work with a sense of urgency because they don’t want to let me down? Not really.

Allowing others’ viewpoints and opinions of you to be your guiding light is not the way to personal excellence. Not that other people don’t have your best interest in mind, but they tend to place their interests ahead of yours. I’ll say that again, in case you missed it….

People who share their views ultimately have their own self-interest in mind. So think about that the next time you decide to care about someone else’s opinion. If you allow these people to influence you, you postpone taking action and control over your own life. At the end of the day you know what is best for you, so don’t allow the fear of what others might say stop you from living your life. You only get one. Make it yours.